
As a child growing up in a small seaside village in North Wales, I quite often found myself outside when the sun had set and the cascade of stars would be stretched across the dark sky above. I would look up in awe and feel the night wrap its arms around me, and I felt connected in a way that I didn’t during daylight hours. I would long for this connection but rarely found it anywhere else.
I was one of the quiet, strange kids, I suppose. I was into the ‘woo woo’ from an early age, surrounded as I was by family ghost stories and a sister who could read the tarot, which later sparked my own interest in the mind, body, spirit world and a future of honing my gifts and abilities. I would quite happily visit the cemetery across from home and sit there on the grass, amongst the headstones and the dead. It was peaceful. I didn't mind being alone, which wasn’t surprising as I had a lot of siblings: growing up with four brothers all in the same house, home life could be chaotic.
30 years later, I would come to understand that finding this feeling of connection in the stars, or with the quiet of those laid to rest, was really me looking for a connection to myself.
I kept looking outside myself for it, and with nothing to guide me, I relied on society to show me the way. I left school at 16 and went to college, then university, which was the done thing back then. I was quite studious and decided to become a lawyer. Not because I wanted to be one (in fact I had no idea what or who I wanted to be at that time, or even years later!), but because I felt it was a good job to have.
Looking back, there were signs that I wasn’t connecting to the true me, or what authentically gave me joy and fulfillment. I struggled to enjoy university, and my heart wasn’t in the learning. I found distraction in the university culture of drinking and promiscuity. Inevitably, I didn’t pass my first year. I found myself in survival mode, contracted into living in a student house and needing a job so I could pay the rent. It was the next logical step, after all, right?
I started working as a laboratory assistant for the NHS, and once I started to earn money regularly I didn’t want anything else. I felt safe. Over the next seven years I had two promotions at work, got engaged, went through a break-up, got together with my now-husband and moved across the country. Life was good. I was content.
What I didn’t realise was that I was existing on autopilot, just going through the motions of life and the tick boxes of society’s milestones. I was disconnected from myself and not aligned with what truly gave me joy, and even though there were signs along the way, I never took any notice. 11 years later, though, the structure I had built around me to feel safe had no option but to collapse.
Waking up to the self
One of the earliest signs came when I had to choose a workplace pension and opted for the one that would benefit me if I was to leave before retirement. Deep down within me, I knew I wanted something different for the future. As time went on I would think – and sometimes even say out loud – that I wanted a different job. I would half-heartedly apply for different roles or something new entirely, but I wasn’t successful and figured it was safer to stay where I was.
I didn’t think too much more of it, but after many years of ignoring the signs and not taking action, my mental and physical health started to deteriorate as I found myself burning out.
I felt stressed, tense, anxious and irritable. I had regular headaches and migraines. I would snap at colleagues, feeling so overwhelmed that I would walk out some days. I felt no real joy. I kept turning up because it was my job, I needed the income, and I had a mortgage to pay. I would live for the weekend and the Friday night drinks or holidays away. But it was a brief distraction.
The cracks had become gaping holes and I wasn’t going to be able to stand much longer. In 2022, I broke. I no longer felt in control. I was a mess emotionally and exhausted physically. I made the rash decision to quit. I handed my notice in, with no plan B. I said goodbye to a role I had played for 18 long years. A version of myself that I had lived for most of my adult life. So, now the question was, what’s next and who am I?
Breaking through the shadows
The past three years have been an incredible time of growth for me. Now, at 40 years old, what I’ve come to realise is that women like myself struggle the most when they’re not connected to themselves, and to who they really are beyond the labels of ‘mother’, ‘wife’, ‘employer’ and so on.
I wouldn’t advise rashly quitting your job, but it was this catalyst that sparked my journey to connection and reclaiming my sense of self. I realised that getting to know myself on a deeper level (which I had ample time for when I was unemployed) really allowed that connection to grow, leading to making decisions that were aligned to who I really am and what uniquely brings me joy.
I found that in order to really connect with myself, I had to delve deep into my shadow, as I was unable to move forward without first exploring what was holding me back. Limiting beliefs stemming from childhood trauma told me I wasn’t good enough. That it was too scary to do something that actually gave me joy and aligned with who I was. For too long I had hidden my intuitive gifts away, but it was time to come home to myself. I unpacked, released and shifted the blocks in my way, so that the little girl in me who was yearning for connection could finally be seen and heard.
That’s when things started to change for me. Shadow work, coupled with the time spent getting to know myself, allowed me to listen to my body, shift what no longer served me and take empowered action towards reclaiming my sense of self. Giving up alcohol was one of them, which further allowed me to deepen the connection to myself.
I did this journey on my own, having to figure it all out myself, and it was hard. My journey has inspired me to guide women just like me through soul-led coaching (a blend of my personal experience, intuitive gifts and somatic practice) to deeply reconnect to themselves and find joy and fulfillment in their lives again.
We are doing ourselves a huge disservice if we don’t connect to that authentic version of us. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Is now the time to reclaim your sense of self, and live life with connection, confidence and joy?