In Conversation with Katia Vlachos

 

With the rise in the term ‘good girl’ and the conditioning society places on women, we speak to Katia Vlachos about how to break free from these narratives. In her new book Uncaged: A Good Girl’s Journey to Reinvention, she explores her own journey of retraining to become a reinvention coach to help and support other women in their own reinvention process.

  Grace Cummins: Can you tell us a little bit about your story and your journey to where you are today? Katia Vlachos: I’m a reinvention coach, author, speaker and meditation teacher. I work with accomplished, ambitious women who haven’t achieved everything they desire to help them boldly go after what they want in the next chapter of their lives. I was born in Cameroon to Greek parents, raised in Greece, and have been a global nomad for the past 30 years. I have a PhD in policy analysis and my first career was as a military analyst in the US and Europe. I reinvented myself in my early to mid-40s when, amongst other things, I wrote my first book, changed careers to become a coach, and left my marriage of 17 years. But the deeper, most important aspect of my reinvention was reconnecting to my true essence. Essentially, I shifted from who I spent most of my adult life being – a good Greek girl, the best at everything, checking all the boxes and fulfilling all expectations of me – to a life that’s aligned with what’s important to me: my values, my vision, and a sense of purpose. Now, I help other women go through the same journey.   GC: Your work spends time looking at guilt and overwhelm; why is it important to look at these emotions? KV: In many cultures – definitely in mine – we are taught to be good girls from a young age: kind, loyal, giving, and always putting the needs of others ahead of our own. We learn that by being ‘good’ we get acceptance, acknowledgment and appreciation. Our worth becomes tied to what we do for others, and to our own self-sacrifice. We learn to feel guilty if we want to prioritise or invest in ourselves. This set of beliefs may also lead to overwhelm: we try to do everything for everyone, which burns us out in the end. I experienced that myself during my childhood, marriage and divorce – especially during the latter. Part of my mission is to debunk that myth. The truth is, we are worthy just because of who we are. It is important to tackle those emotions because they are indicators of deeper beliefs we may have that limit us. For example, if a woman feels guilty for wanting to invest in herself, that may indicate a deeper belief that if she succeeds professionally, she may harm her loved ones, perhaps by neglecting her children. Or she may think that she doesn’t deserve to invest in herself if she’s currently not working – but that investment could help her get back on the job market or start something of her own. It’s a vicious cycle, with the result being that we don’t fulfil our potentials.   GC: This term ‘good girl’ has become popular in the last year or so on social media. For those that haven’t come across it, can you explain its meaning and the negatives of the term for women? KV: Being a ‘good girl’ is all these conditioning beliefs we are taught early on as women about how we need to be and what we need to do to fulfil our roles in society, to be appreciated, acknowledged, valued and loved. We need to be kind, loyal, nurturing and self-sacrificing. Putting everyone else’s needs above our own is a key element of that conditioning. We get rewarded for doing all that, so the behaviour is reinforced. This holds us back from pursuing our aspirations when they don’t fit with what’s considered ‘good’, and from fulfilling our potential. We can become overwhelmed, trying to do it all and please everyone – which is impossible. It fills us with feelings of guilt when we think about prioritising ourselves, and most importantly, we are completely disconnected from our true desires, and from our essential self. We work so hard to achieve something that should be our birthright – to be worthy of love and appreciation simply because we are.   GC: How do you view reinvention? Is this something we all do at some point in our life, or is it a route only for specific situations? KV: That’s an interesting question! I’ve found that there comes a point in our lives when many of us – not all, but many – realise that we’re unfulfilled, whether in our lives, our work, or our relationships. We may not be able to put it in those words, but it feels ‘off’. Why does this happen? Because up to that point we might have been making choices aligned with other things: what the ‘right’ path for us is, what’s expected, ‘acceptable’, what we’re ‘good at’, and all those boxes we check that are not truly ours, but more externally inspired (if not imposed). That’s the power of conditioning. We haven’t really taken the time to ask the question: ‘What do I truly want?’ There may be an event that causes or precipitates that realisation – losing a job, a death, a diagnosis, a close call, a divorce – but it is usually the tipping point for reinvention. I find a lot of younger people these days asking themselves this question, and that’s encouraging. It’s progress. But reinvention can happen at any age, whether you’re in your 30s, your 40s (like I was), or your 60s. There’s no expiration date.   GC: Are there stages or steps to reinvention? KV: The first step is always the realisation that something has to change – whether that realisation is a long time coming or is triggered by an unexpected event, like those I just mentioned. Then, it’s really important to believe that you can actually choose to reinvent yourself – that it’s possible for you. Mindset is huge when it comes to reinvention, and there are several traps that can keep you stuck, like thinking that you’re ‘too old for reinvention’ or that reinvention means you have to start over from scratch – neither is true. In my work with my clients, I have developed a method called the Reinvention Roadmap which is a series of six steps of milestones most people go through when on their reinvention journey. It involves getting out of survival mode, reconnecting with your authentic self, aligning with your values, taking consistent action in small steps, dealing with limiting beliefs and saboteurs, and putting in place sustainable, unshakeable new systems and habits.   GC: Your new book Uncaged, A Good Girl’s Journey to Reinvention, looks at the cages we build up around ourselves and the cages society puts on women. Can you talk more about this? KV: I talked previously about conditioning – all the beliefs and stories we internalise early on in life about ourselves, others, and how the world works. In the book I write about how we enter our cages early in life, through the way we’re raised and the messages we receive over and over around what we ‘need’ to do and who we ‘need’ to be (in other words, ‘good’) to be worthy of appreciation, acceptance, or even love. These messages can be explicit or subtle, but either way they become part of our identity. They’re the lens through which we see ourselves and the world. And they keep us small, quiet, working constantly, harder and harder, to achieve something that should have been our birthright: being worthy of love, and worthy of realising our true selves. We also learn to perpetuate this caging process as we grow older. We hold onto all the beliefs we internalised early in life because they’re so old and deep.   GC: How can we break free from these cages? KV: First, we need to see the bars. Breaking free starts with the realisation that we’re in a cage, and with identifying what specifically the bars of that cage are made of. Next, we need to believe we have a choice (to stop giving away our power, and stop seeing ourselves as and acting as victims). This is about knowing that, although the cage is not our fault in most cases, getting out of it is entirely up to us. We have the power to make different, more conscious choices. Then we need to know that this will happen gradually, one small decision after another. That way we build momentum, gain confidence and create clarity.   GC: As a meditation teacher, how does meditation help with your work supporting clients to live more authentically? KV: Meditation helps us create this space where we can explore our desires, our values, and our vision. We need stillness and silence to really look within – to pause from our frantic rhythm, and get off our autopilot life. Meditation is that practice that allows us to pause and find that stillness. The results are not immediate, but after a while you start to notice you become more intentional, less reactive, and more conscious of what’s going on within and outside of you.   GC: Living authentically is something many of us find difficult to do. Why do you believe that is? KV: Again, I go back to conditioning and everything we’ve been taught makes a good person and a good life. These beliefs are usually not ours, so they’re not authentic. Unless we consciously recognise that, and are intentional about exploring what it is that feels ‘ours’ (our values, beliefs and purpose), we stay inauthentic. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz talks about the process of ‘domestication’ and the ‘agreements’ we adopt early on. We go through life thinking they’re ours, but they’re really part of our conditioning. According to the author, there are four agreements that we need to adopt instead as the foundation of a good life: to be impeccable with your word, to not take things personally, to not make assumptions, and to always do your best.   GC: What would be your one piece of advice for our readers? KV: Get clear on your values – what’s most important to you – whether it’s family, autonomy, friendship, integrity or growth. Reflect on your sense of purpose – the difference you want to make in the world. And then align your life with those. When we don’t honour our values, things feel ‘off'. That’s called dissonance. Make sure you live in resonance – a state where you are honouring your values, where your life is in harmony with what’s important to you. The benefits of this are peace of mind, fulfilment, feeling aligned and balanced, and waking up excited.   For more ‘In Conversation’ articles, click here.