I am reminded of a line in the film Ice Princess when Joan Cusack hits the nail on the head, saying “I guess no matter how old we get, some of us will always hate the Prom Queen.” And it’s true, isn’t it? For every Mean Girl who grows out of her spitefulness, there is always the odd one who grows into it; that one woman who sees all other women as a blanket threat to be torn down. To such an individual as this, all of us represent the Prom Queens she loves to hate.
So how do you navigate interactions with this kind of envious woman, and how do you support your daughters and granddaughters as they face similar challenges in their own lives? Well, first it helps to understand where envy comes from. We're led to believe that envy is an emotion, but while it can be felt at an emotional level, its root is in the psychological workings of the mind. Psychotherapists often talk about the locus of evaluation and how it can be internal or external. Basically, this is a posh term for one’s world-view – bear with me as I explain.
People who have an internal locus of evaluation focus on their own lives, goals and ambitions. They form their own opinions and are not governed by what others think about them. They are true to themselves and tend to be well-adjusted, productive individuals. They also typically begin their sentences with “I think/I feel…”
On the other hand, people who have an external locus of evaluation focus on what everybody else is doing. They begin their sentences with “She thinks/They think…” as in “She thinks she’s all that!” This is another Americanism, but one which is a classic sign of an external world-view. They constantly compare themselves unfavourably to their peers and have trouble making their own judgements. This means that they watch other people’s lives from the side-lines – not to cheerlead, but to bring an unhealthy degree of competitiveness and a tendency to find fault in the perceived ‘competition’. If they see a woman who is doing well, they are likely to be resentful of her success and the seeds of envy are planted. Acting from a place of envy, they may attempt to tear down or sabotage their rival.
Serene Blessings
Marie Bruce x
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