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Rosalind Moody 6 min

Are Spiritual Narcissists the New Energy Vampires?

 

Beware the person who uses spirituality to drain you of your natural spark… Rosalind Moody explains how to starve a spiritual narcissist.



Imagine this hypothetical scene: you find yourself in a new spiritual group, having unknowingly committed to the shared ideology that only the leader’s feelings matter. Your nervous system feels off for some reason – maybe because your intuition has been silenced – and walking on eggshells is the only way to avoid conflict.
The leader makes you feel truly seen for the first time; you’ve never shared a sacred connection like it. You confide any conflicted feelings you have in the leader, because you trust them. When the leader upsets you, though, they never give apologies or demonstrate changed behaviours. Instead, it’s expected of you to lower your expectations of them.  The group in this scene is in fact a cult, and it has two people in it. You might know it as your relationship.   I lived that hypothetical scene myself when I fell in love with a spiritual narcissist at the age of 23. My spiritual narcissist fast became the centre of my universe, earning him the pseudonym ‘Supernova’. He might have introduced the idea of the universe as a higher power to me, but I needed all the spiritual healing I could get after breaking up with him seven intense months later. Now, seven years later (and spiritual experts do say that life moves in seven-year cycles) I’m releasing the book he inspired, The Spark: Love, Sex and the Universe.        How to identify a spiritual narcissist Spiritual narcissists show their true colours best the more intimate the relationship is, but the same narcissistic traits apply to people you might just be friends with. Alternatively, maybe they’re your boss, parent or spiritual teacher. Everyone’s talking about the word ‘narcissist’ these days, but only 1% of the population is said to officially have narcissistic personality disorder. That being said, a lot of narcissists go undiagnosed because only the victims experience the symptoms. A lot of us struggle to identify a narcissist, even if we’ve been on the painful receiving end of one.  It’s a chicken-and-egg situation: is the growing self-help industry enabling people to become more spiritually narcissistic, or is it helping us to better identify them so we can better assist its victims? First, let’s lean into what makes a spiritual narcissist. Anyone can be a narcissist, although studies do show that between half to three quarters of all identified narcissists are male. At the core of any type of narcissist is insecurity. They are devoid of self-love, empathy and self-validation, so they house their insecurity in a shell of grandiose spiritual performance. They will always choose the universe over us, no matter how much we worship them.   Where spirituality as we know it celebrates our love for the authentic self, the spiritual narcissist is obsessed by themselves. Shadow work teaches us empathy, but narcissists don’t care if they cause us pain. Yoga and meditation humble us, but they have a ‘guru’ ego. Instead of being spiritually advanced, they are spiritually impotent. They don’t practise what they preach to be of service, but instead use others to be of service to them. If you lack self-esteem or have codependent tendencies, you may fall prey to one narcissist after another, like I did. Because they are so charming and charismatic, it can be hard to identify a narcissist – but here are five questions you can ask yourself if your inner alarm bells are ringing.    1.How do they make me feel? The most infallible sign is an immediate sense of unease. Notice your gut reaction. Do you feel intimidated by this person rather than genuinely impressed? Do you feel relaxed in their company, or do you seek coping mechanisms, such as alcohol use, to plaster over the ambiguously uncomfortable feeling they bring about in you? Do you feel inspired to be your best self, or do you feel built up in one moment and torn down the next? A healthy relationship should make us feel grounded, however much you both might believe in a higher power.    2. Is their superior view of themselves coupled with a physical beauty? A spiritual narcissist will have a reverence for their own voice and a vanity for their own look. Watch out for god-like excess that makes them stand out from the crowd, rather than natural magnetism. When someone is excessively egotistic like this, a reiki healer might find their crown chakra blocked. Psychologist Robert Cialdini says that extreme good looks can cause ‘critical thinking to shut down and disable our defences’ but our third eye doesn’t see beauty – just truth.  3. Do they position themselves as if to guide others, but use their power to control? This is where the analogy of a cult leader comes back in – does the potential spiritual narcissist demote you to the position of devotee in your relationship? Listening to your intuition is an act of self-love, but you can’t speak your feelings while swallowing theirs all the time. We are at the mercy of the narcissist until our inner children grow up and we can break the co-dependency curse. You should also be wary if the individual has a large following who worship them like disciples. Ask yourself this: are they using their influence for the greater good, or for personal gain?  4. Did early love-bombing give way to cutting remarks? For all the ‘spiritual’ advancements they’ve one-upped against you, a spiritual narcissist will lack emotional awareness. Around the three-month stage of the relationship (when the honeymoon period is over and power play often begins), they start to provide vicious criticisms – sometimes in the same breath as complimenting you. The dreamy memories from the honeymoon period tend to incentivise us to stay at this stage. Remember: the spiritual narcissist thrives in competitive scenarios, because that’s the environment in which they learnt to impress their own leaders (or parents/parental figures). Once they’ve secured a relationship with you, the dynamic will change and you’ll suddenly find yourself under constant fire. For as long as you’re playing the game, the narcissist will always win.  5. Do they project criticism they cannot handle onto others? If they call their ex crazy – something Supernova did, and a narrative I bought into – be wary. A cult works because it others the outside world, creating a ‘us-against-them’ dynamic. If we are empaths, we may stay on our spiritual narcissist’s side because we want to keep the direct supply to their love at all costs – even if that means having to share them with others. You may gain fellow devotees, but you’ll become isolated from your own loved ones. This is because they – your friends, parents, children or other family members – ‘aren’t enlightened’, or some other convenient hypothesis.       Starving a spiritual narcissist Because they feed off your self-esteem, the only option is to starve a spiritual narcissist by cutting off their supply altogether. Here are my top tips for doing so.
  • Get prepared: Prepare ahead of leaving so that the spiritual narcissist can’t suck you back in. Go no-contact to allow your intuition to come back to the fore, but be ready for feelings of grief, heartache and loss to emerge too. Breaking up with Supernova is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m glad I did it.
  • • Bite your tongue: Don’t tell them that they’re a spiritual narcissist, or stick around to argue. Their defences will never come down, and they might trigger you into saying or doing something inauthentic to your true self so that they can play the victim card. Instead, starve them of your attention completely.
  • • Don’t take it personally: Even if you must stay in contact because you share children or businesses, do not internalise personal attacks. Know that their words and actions are a reflection of their poor mental health, rather than of your character.
  • • Slow it down: If you were in a romantic relationship with your spiritual narcissist, consciously choose to date slowly in the future using tips and rituals from my book. Your obedience is key to the spiritual narcissist’s power, but when you make a point of slow dating, it allows people’s true agendas to show.  
     Try this: Now, starve your inner narcissist   Our inner narcissist is like our inner critic on steroids. We all have one, but it’s far louder if you’ve been the victim of narcissistic abuse. Here are some quick rituals to re-spark self-love.
  • Each night, with one hand on your sacral chakra and one on your heart, take a deep breath and close your eyes. Repeat these affirmations: ‘I am loved for who I am and what I bring to the table’, ‘I love and approve of myself’, ‘I am grateful for all of my empathy and sensitivity’. Alternatively, stand in front of a mirror and say your affirmations while looking yourself dead in the eye – just as the spiritual narcissist did to you when they put you down. 
  • Practise cord-cutting with your spiritual narcissist in mind. You may also wish to practise some release rituals if you are experiencing any feelings of guilt, which is a common side effect of a relationship with a narcissist.
  • Take a month, or even a year-long break from new relationships to fully detox and heal your heart chakra. This allows us to come back to the idea of new relationships with clear boundaries, higher self-esteem and a total awareness of our needs.  
  I have finally healed from my spiritual narcissist, and now wish him only hope and healing. But we must all use our evil eyes, obsidian crystals and bulletproof self-love practices to ward off others.      If you’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse, reach out to theechosociety.org.uk  Instagram: @rosalindmoody

Rosalind Moody

Rosalind Moody is the former editor of Soul & Spirit magazine. Her first book The Spark: Love, Sex and the Universe (£16.99, September Publishing) is out now. Follow Rosalind on social media for more spirituality and conscious dating content. 

 

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