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Leah Russell3 min

The Four Levels of Connection: the Pillars of a Healthy, Long-lasting Relationship

May 30, 2023

by Malcolm Stern When looking at what we really want from a relationship, it is useful to examine the following questions:

Does our primary intimate relationship enhance our lives?
Are there any deal-breaking differences?
What are the aspects of the connection that truly matter?

Looking at our interactions on four different levels – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual – can help us decide. You don’t have to give ten out of ten for each of these criteria for a relationship to work. But if you have zero out of ten for any of them, you will have difficulty in building and sustaining a lasting structure.

Physical connection

The first aspect of physical connection is sex. Different people feel it in different ways. For some, it is a major drive. For others, it’s an enhancement but not a game-changer. We have to learn that sexual passion is like a confidence trick the universe plays in order to bring people together. You need to see what the relationship is like after the initial intensity has faded. The second aspect of physical connection is simply being in proximity in the world together – to feel the simple joy of the other person’s smell and the feel of their body. Deep companionship is a primary source of happiness for a couple.

Emotional connection

We have to have a capacity to bear the emotion of the other and to see whether the relationship can handle anger, grief and joy. As we relax and see that we are loved, we allow the warts of our lifetime of experience and pain to enter the frame. We have to see if one person can be a rock so that the other can be volatile, and vice versa. We need to neither withdraw from the volatility, nor feed it. In a healthy relationship, we tolerate differences and find resources in ourselves to manage our extremes.

Mental connection

If we’re with someone who thinks completely differently to us, there is a bridge to be crossed. I love the world of ideas. I enjoy chewing over the political craziness of our times and looking at what history has to offer as a way of understanding the forces in the world. It would be a real challenge for me to be engaged with someone for whom those ideas have no interest. It is, in theory, possible, but it would take a deep resonance in the other aspects of connection to make the relationship viable. It’s healthy to debate conflicting opinions. Some difference is healthy, but complete contrariety is impossible. It’s essential, though, that our enthusiasms can at least be received by our partners.

Spiritual connection

The final level is spiritual. This doesn’t mean that you have to have the same spiritual beliefs as your partner, but you do have to at least respect their leaning toward something larger than the persona. If our lives have real meaning, then the spiritual dimension is vital. It’s an aspect that becomes more important over the years, especially as we find ourselves with some of our faculties diminished by the ageing process. To me, a commitment to finding, in whatever form it takes, ‘the peace that passes all understanding’ – a connection with what many call God, our Higher Self, the Cosmos – feels like a key purpose of our human existence. As I navigate my 70s, one of the unexpected benefits of the ageing process is more access to that peace within and the growing realisation that I am more than just a temporary human being. The spiritual side can be less important during the early stages of life, but if you’re going to go the distance, it is an enhancement and blessing to a relationship. Suggestions for future columns are welcomed. Send emails to learnfromstern@kindredspirit.co.uk