Stuck in a Rut? How Dysfunctional Dating Can Be Solved by Understanding Power Roles

April 14, 2020

by Liz Lewinson


Recently, a young female doctor at Stanford University told me she never gets past a first date. Men say her energy level is too high. A beautiful female dentist confessed she can’t get a date. She has her own house, great car, successful business – men stay away. My 25-year-old colleague gets ghosted when she reveals her impressive career title.


Dating is dysfunctional because people do not understand power.

People seem afraid to discuss power – as if it were a dirty word. Yet misunderstandings about power and how it manifests in men and women are the primary source of dysfunction in dating and relationships.

Most people are afraid of power because they think it means domination and control. This is NOT power. Look to nature for a true definition of power. In nature, power is fluidity, movement, and change. When a wind has low power, we enjoy the breeze. When the wind speeds up, it moves large blades in a modern windmill to create electricity, power. Water rushing through chutes in a dam generates electricity, power. When a wave of water is small, we enjoy swimming and body surfing. When a wave rises to its fullest peak, we witness a tsunami.  When the earth is still, we ignore its presence. When the earth’s crust cracks and shakes, entire cities may topple. Rapid movement, fluidity and change create power.

Now, let’s look at women. A woman’s body reflects change and fluidity. Compared to a man, her physical body has more sexuality, greater longevity, greater stamina, stronger intuition, better collaboration. She menstruates and has the option for child-bearing. A woman’s energy body extends far beyond her physical body and vibrates rapidly. She embodies energetic power.

Men have power too, but it is different. Men’s physical bodies often reflect a quiet, solid strength. Men’s energy bodies are less expansive, more like a golden network. They have a grid-like quality. Men’s energy bodies are containers for what is often termed the strongest force in the universe – deep, universal love. Men embody the power of universal love. Pure power and universal love are equally important. One is not superior to the other, but there is a difference. Women are powerful, too.

Over many millennia, women were conditioned, often forced, to lower their power level down to a low simmer so as not to repel or frighten men. While women are now pushing back, old habits remain.

For example, the first date. Your date is off to a very bad start if you as a woman turn down your power. Why? Because from the onset, you (woman) will be playing a part, acting fluffier than you actually are. And guess what? You’ve put yourself into a lower state of mind – you are manipulating another human being into thinking you are something you are not. You also are draining your power level by agreeing to act less than the tower of tsunami power that you are.

Over millennia, men were conditioned to repress their loving kindness. Men were taught to act dominating, unemotional, toughened. Incorrect views from sports, porn and peers have deadened a man’s natural responses. A man comes to that first date with a fair share of anger towards women because he was told to be dominant, which he is not and cannot be. EVER.

Reversal in power roles guarantee dysfunction in dating and relationships.

Recently, one of my friends sat down by herself in a restaurant. A man sat as near to her as he could and turned to her. “What do women want?” he asked. She had just completed reading my book, The Power of the Loving Man. She told him in a strong, unwavering tone, “Women are powerful. They want a loving man.”

The man lit up like a lamp and thanked her. She had given him the key. No, they did not date, but she had done him a huge favor by telling him the truth.

These are turbulent times. Why not go on a date knowing where you are on the power spectrum? If the person you are dating can’t deal with your power or your love, then end it quickly. If, on the other hand, men and women explore these roles, and if a woman makes no attempt to hide her power, and a man makes no attempt to hide his universal love; if a man drops his notion that power is domination and control, and if a woman can accept a kind and loving man, then there is a chance for a wildly successful, productive, fun, sexy, and exciting relationship.

The key to dating is to express, not hide, your innate power. Men, be sweet. If a woman can’t take it, then waste no time. She is not the person you seek. Women, be your powerful self. If a man can’t accept it, then that person was not the right person for you to spend time with.

To discover and develop your male and female power, practice meditation and mindfulness. There is not one right way to meditate. Learn at least several ways to experience inner stillness.

My Stanford doctor friend recently changed her online dating profile to flaunt her achievements. She stated she was looking for kindness and love, no others need apply. She met someone she liked, and they dialogued about power (who has it, what makes it, and what breaks it) over the first drink. Date eight, and still counting, is the result.



About the author:

Liz Lewinson is an award-winning author, speaker, teacher, strategic planner, and feminist. She is Vice President and Treasurer of The Frederick P. Lenz Foundation for American Buddhism. She leads the grant category titled “Women in Buddhism.” Liz has authored three books–American Buddhist Rebel: The Story of Rama – Dr. Frederick Lenz; Women, Meditation, and Power; and The Power of the Loving Man – with additional book and audio book projects underway. Through her company, Skye Pearl, she currently focuses on creating truthful and powerful global communications through books, audiobooks, film, and other media.

Posted by: Leah Russell